Happy Easter

I hope the Easter Beagle was good to you all! My dad and I colored eggs today. This year's dye worked alot better than the stuff I got last year.

Much love to my fiance! I love you, Tragic

Argh!!!!!

Nothing frustrates me like losing a CD. Nothing. So you can imagine how freakin' cranky I am to notice that I've lost 2 of my most precious cds. No Doubt's Beacon Street Collection, and No Doubt's Rock Steady (the deluxe edition.)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Where in hell could they f***ing be? I've looked everywhere!

~ Cranky cranky Tuyen

Countdown

Making Out
No Doubt(G. Stefani, T. Kanal, T. Dumont)
Rock Steady

I'm on the second floor
With a lock on my door
I'm looking at a picture of your face
The last time I looked
You were looking really good
But somehow pictures fade
We're on the phone
We're all alone
And that just ain't good enough
I go around the world
To see your face
'Cause this just ain't good enough

So I'm just kicking it I'm counting the daysI
hardly can wait for us to hang out
I'm really missing it in so many ways
I anticipate us making out

Sip my morning tea
But you're not next to me
Here goes another day
And driving in my car
I wonder how you are
While our favorite music plays
The flowers arrive to my surprise
But that just ain't good enough
And I got the note, it gave me hope
But that just ain't good enough

So I'm just kicking it I'm counting the days
I hardly can wait for us to hang out
I'm really missing it in so many ways
I anticipate us making out

Soon you'll be here with me (making out)
Soon you'll be right here with me

I'm with my friends till the night ends
But that just ain't good enough
And honestly you can trust me
But that just ain't good enough

So I'm just kicking it I'm counting the days
I hardly can wait for us to hang out
I'm really missing it in so many ways
I anticipate us making out

We're getting so close now! Every hour, minute, and second brings us closer together. I'm missing you in so many different ways, but that feeling is being replaced with pure anticipation at seeing you again. Just think, in a few-ish days, we can be eating at Cafe Zucchero, and driving to Hillcrest. And then we'd get lost on the way to the theatre, just like last time. Then we'd have to kill an hour or two by eating sticky rice and mangoes at the Thai place we walked by, since we missed the beginning of the movie.

I've been studying for most of yesterday for the second midterm in African History 105 B. All I really need to do is polish up my essay so I can get a perfect score like last time. What a brat! ;-)

I promise to make a more substantial post by Wednesday or Thursday.

Muchos Besitos, Tragic Tuyen

PS. Your flowers are wonderful and plenty good enough.

More of the same...

Another one of my wonderful dog. He's such a well behaved fluff ball!

Hmm, this one turned out very blurry here. Before I downloaded it, it was fine. Oh yeah, this is supposed to show my arm six days after a treatment.

Another shot of my beautiful, glorious, amazing stargazer lillies from.... (drumroll please).... my fiance. The awesomest man on the planet.

~Tragic

something new, something different

oooh! The beach as seen from the Scripps Aquarium.

ditto!

Beautiful flowers from my fiance, the most wonderful man in the world.

Le Woof! My doggy.

My arm, three days after a laser treatment.

Okay people. I'm trying something new with these pictures, which means it probably won't work.

**crosses fingers** besitos, your tragedy

Scarred For Life

Tomorrow, well, technically later today, I have another laser treatment. Laser treatment, you ask, for what? I’m getting my sleeves removed. By sleeves I mean tattoos from shoulder to wrist on each arm. Yes, it did hurt to getting that extensively tattooed to begin with. I’m just beating some of you to the punch. You wouldn’t believe how often I get asked that. And, yes, it does hurt getting them removed, because everyone always asks me that too. Anyway, I have had about five treatments so far, in approximately one year. Because, in addition to being quite painful, they are also quite expensive.

The first four treatments were with the "little laser." It sounds sort of like a electric razor. Magazine articles and pamphlets like to claim that the patient (me) will only experience discomfort as a laser treatment feels very similar to being snapped by a rubber band. In my experience, the laser treatment feels like someone slowly dragging a hot razor across my skin.

My usual treatment lasts an hour. We break them up into: either lower arm, or half an upper arm. An hour before hand, I apply this topical cream with lidocain in it to numb the skin. When I first started getting these treatments, the laser specialist told me that because of my size, she wasn’t comfortable injecting me with lidocain.. So we decided that for the first treatment, we’d just see how I did. That was the first Friday of my Spring Break, and I spent it at a cosmetic surgery clinic, laying on an uncomfortable table, wearing ill fitting goggles. I don’t remember what we talked about that day, the nurse and I. I just remember thinking, ‘what the hell have I gotten myself into.’ After Alice finished putting ointment on my arm and bandaging me up, I was on my way out the door. Earlier in the week I’d *promised* my mom I’d drive down to Hollister to see her. You know how moms are. A drive that normally would have taken maybe 60 minutes, from Mountain View to Hollister, took much longer. As my right arm throbbed, I drove in mostly bumper to bumper traffic. My mom made me a really delicious dinner, and then had to cut it up for me because my arm was too swollen. On the treatments on my lower arm, I can expect to be swollen from two inches above my elbow all the way down to my fingers. That night, that first night of pain, I remembered laying on my bed with my arm elevated on two couch cushions trying not to cry.

My second treatment was in December on my lower left arm. Being somewhat more prepared for the whole ordeal, and the fact that I’m right handed, made this treatment a little more bearable. But during the healing process that time, after the swelling went down a little, it became intensely itchy. Iin the shower, I’d wash my injured arm. The texture of my arm, once familiar, was no alien, hard to the touch, and hot. For two weeks, the itching kept me awake at night. Despite my best efforts, I’d wake up scratching through my pajamas, raising welts on the still sensitive skin. Almost two weeks later, with a left arm that was still peeling, I had another treatment on my right lower arm. The same things happened. Lots of swelling, and lots and lots of itching. By the time I met my then boyfriend and now fiancé in San Diego Christmas night, the peeling had begun. Sean was such a sweetie, putting benedryl cream on my arm to keep me from tearing it open at night.

On February 21st I was scheduled to have a treatment on my left upper arm. Since it was a holiday, my dad was convinced that I’d made a mistake. That morning I called the clinic to make sure my appointment was still on, but I got some woman at an answering service telling me that my appointment was cancelled. I shrugged and climbed back into bed. So you can imagine my surprise when Alice called me up, fifteen minutes before my appointment to make sure I was still coming. It takes me twenty minutes to get there. I jumped out of bed, applied the numbing cream, pulled on some clothes, and scrambled into the car. Remarkably, I was only 5 minutes late. The only problem, as you can guess, was that the numbing cream had only been on a quarter of the time it’s supposed to be on. Washing my arm off in the sink, I knew I was really in for it. While all of Alice’s other patients use the cream and get a shot, I was going into this treatment hardly numbed at all. This was the first treatment on my upper arm, and about half way into it, Alice decided it might be best to break this session in half. In other words, half a treatment on my left upper arm, and half on my right. The main reason for doing this, she explained, was that she was nervous about how much I might swell. Plus, she’d gotten a new idea.

The laser she’d been using me is called the q-switched ruby laser. It works excellently on lots of colours, except for the blues and greens. The main colours on my upper arm are turquoise and purple. Her new idea was to use the older laser because it could chew through those shades much faster than the smaller ruby laser. The only thing was that she’d have to give me a shot because the bigger laser hurts more.

For the entire four days between appointments, I am completely worked up about having to get a shot. Just ask my fiancé. Did I forget to mention the part where I’m completely scared of needles? My needle fear does not apply to getting tattooed or pierced, only to getting blood drawn and getting injections. I don’t care if it’s ironic, I don’t care what you say. Those things are completely different.

Anyway, when February 26th rolled around, I found myself more nervous then ever before. Mostly thinking ‘holy shit, I have to get a shot’
Alice called my name and back I trudged to the bathroom, where I washed off my arm. As I sat on the table, we made chit chat, wherein I mentioned my needle phobia at least two, possible three times. She decided we could "take it as we go", she could always give me the shot later. She handed me my goggles, a different colour than before. She sat on my right side, and I closed my eyes. The big laser had to warm up before we could start.

**thud**

**thud**

It made a sound like a big shoe in a clothes dryer. I found myself thinking ‘well, that can’t be good.’

**thud**

**thud**

"Are you ready to get started?" I nodded my head ‘yes’ without opening my eyes. While the other laser hits the skin continuously, this one hits much slower. And deeper. Each impact, that’s what it felt like, seemed as though it went from the outside of my skin all the way down to the bone.

**thud**

**thud**

**thud**

When she asked "How ya’ doing?", I told her that I was fine. This time around, none of my tricks seem to be working. In the past during these treatments, I could distract myself by trying to remember song lyrics, passages from my favourite books, dialogue from my favourite movies. One of the songs that I often remember is from Blink 182, "Easy Target."

"All her signals are getting lost in the ether
She's a landslide with a city beneath her
So take a good look
So you'll never forget it
Take a deep breath
I know I'm gonna regret it

Holly's looking dry
Looking for an easy target
Let her slit my throat
Give her ammo if she'll use it
Caution on the road lies lies and hidden danger
Southern California's breeding mommy's little monster

She's got a mission
And I'm collateral damage
She's the flower that you place on my casket
Savour the moment cause the memory's fleeting
Take a photograph as the last train is leaving

Holly's looking dry
Looking for an easy target
Let her slit my throat
Give her ammo if she'll use it
Caution on the road lies lies and hidden danger
Southern California's breeding mommy's little monster

Run, Run, Run, Run, Run
(Hurry Let Me Out)
Run, Run, Run, Run, Run
(Hurry Let Me Out)
Run, Run, Run, Run , Run
(Hurry Let Me Out)"

But that song is sort of short for that kind of situation. Besides, this last time I couldn’t rally concentrate on any lyrics, not even No Doubt songs. I just couldn’t think of them. Not a one. All I could do was make a half hearted attempt at conversation. But I made it. Barely, but I made it. She told me some important things, she told me about the rule of nines, and something called compartmenting, (or something like that) but I wasn’t really paying attention because my arm was hurting. When I sat up, climbed off of the table, she bandaged me up.

That night was really tough. While the little laser left my arm feeling like it had been sunburned, and rubbed raw with gravel, the treatment with the big laser left me feeling like my upper arm had been attacked my a blow torch, and an angry one at that. Even though we only did the outside part of my upper arm, the swelling was awful. It went below my elbow, and also extended up passed my shoulder and to my collar bone. I was so swollen my collar bone wasn’t even visible. My neck was sore too, every time I’d try to turn my head to the right, I’d remember I couldn’t turn my head all the way. Everything felt so tight. Sometimes when my dad makes hot dogs for dinner, he leaves them in the boiling water too long. The hot dogs get really swollen and actually spilt open because the casings are too tight.

This is how I felt.

February 27th was the Oscars, and I barely saw an hour of it. I’d woken up with a terrible migraine (which I get sometimes). That coupled with my swollen, monstrosity of an arm meant that I only left bed to pee. I only slept for maybe twenty minutes, maybe a half hour at a time. The swelling lasted for five days, and I was able to resume my push ups after about two weeks. The headache only lasted for one day, thankfully.

Although I always get a little down after these treatments, after this last one I was depressed. The only ray of sunshine I could think of was Sean. Even though I knew my pain would end sooner or later, I was afraid it wouldn’t. I became afraid that my arm would be swollen, blistered, and bloody for eternity. (I don’t get blisters from the little laser.) I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. (I know, I know, sorry for the cliche.) I had several dreams that I catch on fire and no amount of water will put it out.

Right now, my upper right arm is still peeling and itchy. One can clearly see where the laser tagged me; I have a bunch of circles about the size of a pencil eraser on the outside part of my upper arm. Each one of these represents a former blister. Before they popped, when I would get cold, I would get goose bumps, these painful goose bumps on my arm. I would get weird shooting sensations in my arm when it would happen, and would feel hot and cold at the same time. It would make me shiver.
Tomorrow shouldn’t be that bed though, we are using the little laser. Here is the song I will try to remember. It’s one of my favourites, I give you, "Crash Into Me" by the Dave Matthews Band.

"You’ve got your ball
You’ve got your chain
Tied to me tight tie me up again
Who’s got their claws
In you my friend
Into your heart I’ll beat again
Sweet like candy too my soul
Sweet you rockAnd sweet you roll
Lost for you I’m so lost for you
You come crash into me
And I come into youI come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream

Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
I’m bare boned and crazy for you
When you come crash
Into me, baby
And I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream

If I’ve gone overboard
Then I’m begging you
To forgive me, oh
In my haste
When I’’m holding you so girl
Close to me
Oh and you come crash
Into me, baby
And I come into you

Hike up your skirt a little more
And show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show your world to me
In a boys dream.. in a boys dream
Oh I watch you there
Through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
Wear it so well
Tied up and twisted
The way I’’d like to be
For you, for me, come crash
Into me"

Sal Si Puedes

Here is a story for you all. It’s about how, even though I have been a student for so long, I still mix up really important dates. I am afraid this is going to be the case with my graduation application too.

Last May, in my Chinese History class, we students were supposed to pick a book to review, and then find a corresponding article from an academic journal which reviewed aforementioned book. Now, the last time I wrote a paper for this class. I picked a book that wasn’t on the approved reading list and didn’t realise it until 5 minutes before it was due. I didn’t even bother turning it in because I knew Dr. Reynolds would not accept it. I just turned in the proper paper one day late and took a point deduction.

So this time I was going to do it right. I was going to read the directions. I was going to be careful. I spent hours on this paper and was very proud of it. I even printed it on paper with a pastel sunset like this. So, I think you can imagine my absolute HORROR when I realised I had screwed up again. In the exact same way.

My plan was to talk to Dr. Reynolds after class– confess my stupidity. But I couldn’t quite muster up the courage. After my second class I meet up with Phuong and we chit chat about our day so far. Dr. Pickering passed by and Phuong asked her a question, so before she left I decided I’d ask her about my dilemma. Dr. Pickering said I should definitely talk to Dr. Reynolds sooner rather than later– she even let me used her office phone to do so. I left a message with Dr. Reynolds and said I would stop by during office hours.

So at 3pm, I knocked on his door. My hands were sweaty and I was scared of getting called an idiot. I imagined that the best case scenario was that he would let me rewrite my paper- but since it would be two days late he would deduct 2 grades.

But when I told him my error, he asked me what book I reviewed. And when I told him, he said– "Oh, that’s fine." What? Fine? Oh thank god!! I thanked him and practically skipped back to my car. (Sigh.) Sometimes people surprise you!

Wish me luck! Dammit I've got to graduate!

For my wonderful fiance, the giver of flowers, I hope you are safe and sound. We're really getting close now. I just crossed another day off my calendar.

besitos, Tragic

Yummies From Tibet

Tibetan Tara (Sweet Yogurt Shake)

4 cups plain yogurt
10 ice cubes
1/2 cup brown sugar
Preparation:
Blend the ingredients together in a blender until smooth.

I've been looking over my old recipes lately and I happened upon this one. If memory serves, I found it in a beat up book at the library. Anyway, I know it doesn't seem like it would be, but it's actually quite yummy. (Probably not health food either, but that's why it tastes so yummy.) The only change I made is less ice cubes, and that's because my da's old blender (it was a bridal gift before my parents wedding) is quite old and doesn't really like the hard things to grind up.

Take A Chance!! Give it a whirl!

Besitos, Tragic Tuyen

PS. HMS= SMH
We're getting married, amor! J'taime!

Why???

Why...... is the room........


***spinning***???

~Tragic Tuyen

Frontline

On Tuesday night, Frontline (PBS) aired a program called "A Soldier's Heart," which dealt primarily with PTSD. Check out the website at:

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/heart/

Several different soldiers were interviewed for this program, including friends, families, and mental health professionals. The main point of the program seemed to be that while there is more discussion about PTSD, there is still a stigma attached to "asking for help", etc. In other words, is the military handling the problem (PTSD, battle fatigue, etc.) differently or better than in the past, or not?

~Tragic

Deep Water

Last night I had another nightmare. It was very short, but this is what I remember.

I'd been invited to a party and was meeting my friends there. No one told me it was a pool party, I was dressed for clubbing. I was wearing my big black goth boots, a tank top, and my black pinstriped pants, the ones with the zippers. After I parked my car, I went in the house and asked some girl I'd never seen before where Phuong and Lisa were.

"Oh," she said "There right through there," indicating a doorway. So I opened the door, took a step, and fell. I fell for what seemed a really long time beofre I fell into the deep end of a pool.

A really, really deep pool. It seemed like I was twenty feet below the water's surface. I was close to the edge, and I was trying to grab ahold of the ladder to make my way up. Only, instead of being a metal ladder, it was made of rope. I had to climb the rope to make my way up.

In my dream, I remember cursing my big heavy boots and thinking that my taste in shoes would kill me. I was running out of air.....

And then I woke up. Ouch, with a bloody nose.

Muchos besitos por mi amor, Tragic